i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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