Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
