FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
