I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
