I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
