Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
