But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
