FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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