No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
whose parrot is this?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize