Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
