The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
