it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
