I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
