everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
