Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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