It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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