Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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