If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
