There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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