Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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