At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
