the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
