A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
