So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
