Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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