That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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