ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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