i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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