Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
