I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
