Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
