You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you told grandpa to call you daddy
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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