I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
