Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
