It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
