I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
