I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
