he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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