I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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