dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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