I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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