I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
