You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
