My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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