so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
