We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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