I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
