Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
this just has baby written all over it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
