I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
