I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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