found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
