Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There's always time for handjobs
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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