p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
