Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize