He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
