umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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