***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He passed out mid-signature
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
