Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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