I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
