oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
