i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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